this is our last cry before our eternal silence
by Anrheithwyr
Summary: My past does not define me. My past has no control over my present. My past does not tell you the kind of person I am. My past is not always who I am. Ah, life. What an interesting concept, sewn haphazardly together by many parts. Love and happiness, death and sorrow. All of it just key pieces in the quilt of immortality. Because, we die, but our stories will live on forever.


_**Written for the 'Angst Challenge of Epic Proportions' by a beautiful catastrophe, level 'the angsty level of epic proportions'. Prompt word is: forgotten.**_

_**Also written for the 'If You Dare Challenge' by Slytherin Cat, using prompt # 488: love, death, and immortality.**_

_**Written for the 'Tearjerker Challenge' by black boxed, using prompts: blue, Marauder's Era, kiss, knife, walking, and rejection, "I always did look for the best in people."**_

_**Written for the 'Longest One-Shot Competition' by Aqua Cahill, using prompts: snake, mentality, "and it all came crashing down", evergreen, video camera, happy, boarding school, potted plant, red, daisy, carriage, dusty, curtains, headache, tossing, someone playing the piano, "Are you sure about that, lad/lass?", Italian, lyrics, tell me, subtle, map, dots, rough, juice, stretched, bone, cases, metal, box, grey, seven, boiled.**_

_**Written for the 'Ten times Ten Challenge' by Utlaga, using non-magical object: letter. **_

_**Written for the 'Flower Language Challenge' by Sweet Bitter Life, using Lily: **__Write about Lily Evans._

_**This is an AU, by the way. At 18578 words, minus author's note. **_

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___"Calling all. This is our last cry before our eternal silence"_

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"_I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone._

_I crashed my car into the bridge. I watched, I let it burn._

_I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs._

_I crashed my car into the bridge.__"-I love it, Icona Pop._

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_"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." -Robert Frost._

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_"Once upon a time, I fell in love with the wrong person" – Unknown_

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"_I think-I think when it's all over,_

_It just comes back in flashes, you know?_

_It's like a kaleidoscope of memories._

_It just all comes back. But he never does._

_I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen._

_It's not really anything he said or anything he did,_

_It was the feeling that came along with it._

_And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again._

_But I don't know if I should. _

_I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright._

_But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?_

_Maybe he knew that when he saw me._

_I guess I just lost my balance._

_I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him._

_It was losing me."-__I Knew You Were Trouble, Taylor Swift_

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"_All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain"-__Blade Runner_

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"_Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."-__Pete Wentz_

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_My past does not define me._

_My past has no control over my present._

_My past does not tell you the kind of person I am._

_My past is not always who I am. _

I always did look for the best in people. It wasn't in my interest to be negative, or to hold grudges. I tried my best to be positive and friendly towards everyone, regardless of the circumstances. After all, I would want them to hold me in the same perspective, wouldn't I? Long forgotten were the frustrations of my younger years, when I clung fast to my anger at others; now, I tried to only live for tomorrow, and today. It sounded ridiculous, especially when I said such things out loud, but it was a key part of how I lived my life.

I loved others as best as I could, and I forgot when they rejected me, because it was the only way I could remain smiling. I was, by nature, just not willing to seek out negativity, since I knew there would be so much in my life anyway-why bother searching for it? After all, isn't that where you usually get the line "and it all came crashing down"? Isn't that where you get the knives and the subtle winces as life slowly takes you over?

And, even as I looked for the brighter side in others, I can only hide my own pain, my own guilt. Where I see a shining future in others, I can find only darkness and lonely paths for myself, long winding roads that lead to nowhere. My grudges against myself have mounted over the years, as I aged, only growing more and more in a bitter way towards myself.

Often times, now, I can barely stand to look in the mirror, horrified at the woman, aged and warped as I am. I frighten myself, because I remember clearly the pain I have caused others. I have ruined others' lives, and I cannot find it within myself to look for peace, instead of beating myself up for it.

And, yet, I cannot regret the things I did, the words I spoke, because at least I was being honest with myself and the others around me. At least I did not let life and its bitter problems swallow me up, like I had once so desperately wanted it to do. I survived, and I fought as best as I could.

Ah, life. What an interesting concept, sewn haphazardly together by many parts. Love and happiness, death and sorrow. All of it just key pieces in the quilt of immortality. Because, we die, but our stories will live on forever. I learned that the hard way, feeling the pain of rejection, the pain of _rejecting _another person. It hurt me to hurt others, but I was only human, and I was only living, so that my immortal story could go on forever.

I'm rambling now, feeble-minded, yet trying to keep all the facts together. I am the last of my friends, of my generation, just an old woman with a long story that I must keep ahold of for just a few more short years. I don't know if I care anymore, about the pain, about the suffering I've been going through for the past seventy or so years, most of which I must admit was mostly my fault.

There was a time when I thought that ignoring Houses and sides would get me somewhere. Who cared about lions and snakes when there were friends to made and adventures to have? Who cared if our robes were red and gold, or silver and green, as long as we cared for each other? Why did it matter if the one whom you loved was your best friend or just a stranger? And then I grew up. I realised-_of course there were sides_.

Of course there were boundaries separating me from you. Why wouldn't there be, since everyone else has already gravitated towards their own side, their own opinion. But, a stranger can still be your only love, right? _(Except, I didn't have just one love, I had two.) _A stranger and my best friend-and I got them both. James Potter, the most popular boy in school, who could have had any girl he wanted, and instead, he chose me-a Muggleborn with fiery red hair and who hated his guts.

And, later-or sooner, depending on how you read the story-Sirius Black, a heartbreakingly beautiful man who was there to hold my hand as I struggled to breath, the man who pulled me from the dark waters of depression and didn't even scream when I drove his motorbike into a ditch.

I have been married twice, and have had all children I had always wished to have, my beautiful, talented children who continue to surprise me even now. There are many more grandchildren, and even a few great-grandchildren thrown into the mix. I am ninety-three years old, a frail, brittle old woman who is only looking for a way to escape my pains.

Believe me, there are many, a long list of mistakes and bad choices that I've made, things that will haunt me forever, no matter how far I run. Both my husbands are long gone, passed away both before their time (one murdered by a cruel, evil man so many years ago that it is sometimes far too easy to forget his bright hazel eyes and his easy laugh; the other husband was lost to cancer at seventy-one, suddenly appearing in his lungs after a lifetime of smoking, and taking him away so soon that he hardly had time to suffer), leaving me behind as the sole player who knows the full story.

We are all actors on stage, but the curtain has not yet fallen for me, I must unfortunately admit. I spend my remaining days writing out the story of how I came to be, in the hopes that someone might care. In the hopes that somewhere, someday, a person will learn how to give a damn about the story of a dying old woman who made far too many mistakes.

I am Lily Evans, and I have a story to tell.

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_July 1976_

Lily blushed as she stepped from the cupboard, smoothing out her robes, and anxiously looking around. Her hair was red, but her cheeks were even more so, as she flushed with embarrassment, surprised at what she had just done, despite the fact that the rebellious tingle of tonight's actions had not yet left her.

She was a Prefect, a rule-abiding young girl who had rarely strayed from the carefully painted lines set before her, and yet, she couldn't help but feel a rush of adrenaline as her fellow classmate, Sirius Black, also followed after her, looking a lot less embarrassed and flustered.

He smiled down at her, and she blushed again, staring down at her hands. Suddenly, she couldn't quite remember what had all happened to lead up to this point, where she and Sirius Black had ended up in a cupboard together, clothes flying everywhere.

"Have fun, Evans?" Sirius drawled, and though he was clearly fixing his face and posture to appear effortlessly nonchalant, Lily could tell he did seem a bit off, as if he was concerned that she _hadn't _had fun, as if he cared how she felt, a thought that almost made her laugh; after all, Sirius Black had never seemed to give much concern or thought for those who he had left behind on his path of tears and broken hearts-he was a player, tried and true, and Lily had been an idiot to even consider following him.

Lily had known, right up to the very moment that she had kissed the dark-haired boy that Sirius Black enjoyed his women a bit _too_ much. It was common knowledge around the castle that he was the sort to shack up with girls at a whim, only to leave them the next morning with a broken heart, or at least a wounded pride.

Lily was more than aware of this, and she was beginning to feel like an idiot for even daring to think that, somehow, she was different; she had played with the notion that maybe _she _was the one that would finally calm Sirius Black. That somehow, in some twisted way, _she _would be the one to break through his exterior, and reach the core of him.

_Too many romance novels before bed, _Marlene might had told her, had she not been back up in the dorms, no doubt scowling as she waited for Lily. It was common knowledge that Marlene had always had somewhat of a thing for Sirius, though she'd never acted on it, and even told Lily to go have fun when Black had asked her to join him in the hallway.

"Of course I did, Black. And you?" she replied, trying to remain just as calm and cool as he was pretending to be. She could still remember dizzily walking up to him just a few hours earlier, still high on her elation from the Quidditch win, and possibly too many Butterbeers. She could hear her friend's teasing words as the coaxed-a joke, they swore, not thinking that pure, innocent Lily would ever do such a thing- her into walking up to the handsome Gryffindor, who also looked a little tipsy, though less so than Lily, who had never been able to hold her alcohol very well.

She had pulled him outside of the dorm, giggling; all thoughts of her duties as a Prefect had fled her mind, as the only thing she could focus on was the fact that Sirius Black was a _lot _prettier than she had given him credit for. Not handsome-not her type, certainly-but he was pretty, in a weird way that she hadn't considered before. He gave her a cocky grin, and they started down the hallway in silence, both wrapped up in thought about what had led them to this point.

She had never meant to allow him to walk her all the way to an empty cupboard. She had never thought he was actually drunk enough (though, was he drunk? He didn't look it, now, in the dim lighting. Just elated, and smelling of sex. She almost wanted to curse him, as she considered the fact that he might have faked the alcohol in an effort to shag her, just one more check-off on his list.) to kiss her full on, his hands groping her.

She hadn't thought she was really insane enough to kiss him _back_, enjoying far too much the smell of his shampoo and the beer on his breath. And yet, looking up at him now, she can't imagine going back the life she had before walking down the dark halls with Sirius Black.

Suddenly, she was seeing him in a different light; he wasn't just an annoying classmate, he was a human boy, with scars. Lily had never really thought about him as a boy who bled, as a boy who cried, but she could see a fragile side to him now, as if, by handing herself over to him, she had gained something back in return.

"I'm sorry," she said suddenly, pulling away from him. The blood was still pounding in her ears, the alcohol and exhilaration still coursing through her. And yet, she couldn't help but shake her head as Sirius reached out to touch her shoulder. He was pretty, a broken boy, and she understood now that this was not what the wanted-this was not her happy ending, her faery tale, this wasn't even the last resort option that she was willing to settle for, not this boy with the pain hidden deep inside of him, the pain he locked up tightly behind a grinning mask as he jumped from girl to girl. "I'm sorry, this was wrong. This really was. I'm sorry."

She _was _just another name to him, another girl; this was his way of coping with life, his way of dealing with a shattered world. He walked with blue eyes and a blue heart, not caring and not truly able to love. And all Lily had done was further his desire to shag every girl in school, just one more rejection he could mark down as someone who couldn't ever possibly love him the way he needed to be.

"Sorry about what, Evans? There's nothing to be sorry about. I thought it was wonderful." Black-_Sirius_-said to her, his brows furrowed as he stared at her in confusion. "I hope you didn't think you were _lacking _or anything like that. Really, you were fine." He smiled in a way that was meant to be reassuring, but she only shook her head, trying to walk away, though he had reached out to hold her hand, trying to calm her of all her worries.

He didn't understand, he didn't seem to see the things the way she did; Lily was beautiful, and he had been glad to spend a few hours with her, even if she seemed down now, her emerald green eyes avoiding his gaze as they stopped walking, her wrists in his clenched hands.

"I think I might love you, Lily Evans," Sirius said, reaching up to touch her cheek with a calloused hand. Lily very nearly scoffed in disbelief, holding back only because he was looking at her with such earnest, though it was more than difficult to find any truth in his statement, or at least the desire to find truth-after all, wasn't Sirius _known _for leading girls on, treating them like they were the only girls in the world, only to dump them a few weeks, or a few months later when he got bored or found some prettier?

Lily started to shake her head, started to walk away from him because Sirius was a manipulator and a liar, but he reached out with the hand that had fallen from her cheek, gripping her wrist. "Please believe me when I say that, please, Evans. You aren't like everyone else, you aren't like the other girls at this damn school; they're always giggling and showing off and pretending to be someone else just to get a boy to notice them. But you, Evans? You're real and open with people-you would never hide behind a facade to impress a boy, and that's part of the reason why I think I might like you...part of the reason why I think I might be falling in love with you."

"You're wrong," she said, and meant it completely. She wasn't honest or open or real. She hid all the time, every damn day, because it was way too easy to pretend like she was okay, rather than openly admitting that life was difficult and she hated it, she hated everyone.

After all, hadn't she sworn to Sirius that the only reason she'd even followed him here was because she was a little inebriated and not in her right mind? And wasn't it true that she had actually followed him into the broom closet because her mother was dead, and she didn't know how to deal with that fact, so following a mad boy down a dark hallway was sounding like a reasonable option when he came up to her? "You're wrong, Sirius. You don't know a damn thing about me. You're _wrong._"

"I'm sorry." She said again, pulling free of his grip. She started walking away, ignoring the traitorous tears stinging her eyes, wondering if she could still blame the churning emotions in her on the alcohol still pinching her head. There was no way she could ever possibly love Sirius, they were too different. He was pretty, yes, but Sirius Black was also rude and conniving and _not her type._ "I can't love you the way you deserve, Sirius. I can't love you the way someone else will, and I don't think you'll be able to love me properly, either. We're just not meant for each other, and I don't want to have you use and discard me like just another girl. I'm truly sorry, but I'm not going to let this be _it_. I loved you tonight, in a fit of insanity; I'm not going to love you tomorrow, when I'm sober, and neither will you. I have to go."

Behind her, Sirius remained frozen, feeling strangely empty from Evans' rejection. He had been with nearly a dozen girls over the past six years-yes, more than most men would get in their entire life, but Sirius was also beautiful and charismatic-this one shouldn't have had such an effect on him.

She was just another girl, albeit one that he felt rather protective of, being the love interest of his best mate, James. (That was another problem, wasn't it? What was he going to tell James when he got back to the Common Room and he wanted to know what Evans had been doing outside? What was he supposed to say-that they just held hands and sang nursery rhymes together?)

And yet, something in him stung as he watched her walk away, the only girl who had ever done so, the only one who had not stuck around long enough for him to get bored of her. She had seen something in him tonight, no matter how wrong she was, and she had made the smart decision. She had left, before he could break her, as he had broken others. As he had been broken. She was smart, Evans was. Yet, why did it hurt so much to see her leave?

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_December 1977 _

Lily hated the piano at her house, hated the fact that it was so old and out of tune, mostly because Da had never bothered to fix it. It had mostly just been Mum who ever bothered playing the piano to begin with, and it had been Mum who had dragged Lily to the bench every Sunday afternoon at four, telling her she would be practicing for an hour before she could do anything else.

Lily had never really much cared for the piano, which had been in the house since before her birth and had even followed them to England after Da's job relocated him from her childhood home back in Claddaghduff-she had thought the stupid thing would _stay away _after they moved to Cokeworth, but no such luck.

She still had very little respect for the damn thing, pounding away at the keys, feeling the loud rhythm, cursing when the keys stuck, which they only did because Mum used to drag the piano outside when it was wet, mostly because she liked playing in the rain.

Lily sighed, plinking a few more keys to create a sad little melody, then let her head rest on the music stand, wishing she had bothered to actually listen to Mum during lessons; she could hardly remember how to play a single thing now, having not bothered with the piano-and Mum was gone now, dead, unable to teach Lily any new songs, or to talk about her wonderful piano, or her boring Tupperware meeting or complain that Lily's hair was too long.

Christmas holidays had started two days ago, and Lily had only come home because she wasn't entirely sure that her father would be properly functioning enough to have a normal Christmas, like they usually did. Besides, he had sworn that Tuney, who was nineteen now and usually didn't come home from uni, wouldn't be stopping by at all the entire time, as she was too busy with her school mates and her boyfriend, a weird, breathy man named Denton who smelled of cheese.

However, _that _had gone completely down the drain, as Tuney had arrived to pick Lily up from the station, grousing. Turns out that Denton had broken up with Petunia on the grounds of "differentiating world views"-mainly, he had become more interested in Petunia's roommate, Ashley, than Petunia. Currently, Da and Petunia were at the supermarket, shopping for Christmas supper, and Lily was all alone, just her and the dusty old piano, and a plate of week-old Italian food that she'd promptly thrown out.

Just then, there was a knock on the door, and Lily lifted her head a few centimetres, frowning. Hardly anyone seemed to be visiting the Evans household anymore; they'd gotten lots of visitors those first few, painful days back in May and June, but by the time school picked up again, life had been back to normal, with most of their neighbours just ignoring the Evans existence, which was the way Lily liked it.

Lily might have thought it was Severus Snape, who used to be her best friend and lived just two streets away from her, on Spinner's End, except she knew for a fact that he was staying at Hogwarts for the holidays-part of the reason why she had agreed to come home this year.

Lily scrunched up her brow as she thought, trying to figure out who it might be at the door, bothering her; the postal service, maybe, or a friend of Petunia's? Well, there was only one way of finding out, wasn't there? Lily groaned, getting up from the piano to the sound of more, anxious sounding knocking.

"Hello?" she said somewhat impatiently, swinging the thick wooden door open, not really looking to see who was there-after all, whoever it was probably wasn't around for her, and she'd just have to send them away anyway.

It probably _was _Denton, begging to get back into Petunia's good graces, on his hands and knees as he pled for her forgiveness. "What do you want? It's freezing outside, why're you here?"

She scowled as she looked up at the man on her doorstep-Lily looked up and up and up, all the way to his smirking pink lips and twinkling blue-grey eyes that had always bothered Lily, because they reminded her of storm clouds, and she hated storm clouds, because they meant rain. _Sirius fucking Black was at her house._

"What in the fuck are you doing here?" she all but shrieked, moving to slam the door in surprise.

Sirius stuck his foot out, blocking the door as he smiled at her coyly-a sexy smirk, she would have called it, a flirting smirk had it been anyone else; but this was Sirius Black, the boy she had lost her virginity to in a broom closet, the boy she had told _I'm sorry _to and explained that _they just didn't fit, she wasn't good for him. _

And he was standing on her doorstep, smirking down at her like this was all so amusing-_how had he even found her house? _

She tried to shut the door again, but he was much stronger, keeping it propped open with the edge of his shoe, placing one elbow on the doorframe, looking like he was about to laugh at her or kiss her-or both, and Lily wasn't sure she would reject either thing, because he'd come all the way out to Cokeworth just to tell her something, and that probably meant something, though she wasn't sure what.

"Happy Christmas to you, too, Evans," Sirius said coolly, and she stepped aside to let him in, still unsure of why she was doing such things. Hadn't she told herself that Sirius was bad for her, that she wasn't even interested in him, that loving him for a week or a month wasn't worth the pain that would come after, when he found someone else, someone prettier?

Hadn't she told herself, walking away from Sirius and that cupboard, that she had been drunk and that she wasn't thinking properly-and she wasn't even _in love with him, that fucking bastard._

"I'm glad you answered, and not that weird horse-faced sister of yours; she scares me, and I don't think I could face her long enough to ask for you. Are you home alone, by the way?"

He looked over her shoulder into the empty living room, where the piano still sat, collecting dust, and then looked at her with a happy little smile which made Lily want to punch him in the mouth for some reason.

"Why are you here, Sirius? Don't you have your own Christmas at home to be ruining with all your bad jokes and lame pranks? Or….weren't you staying at school with Potter and Remus, bothering the teachers and flooding toilets now that you've run out of good pranks?" she scowled at him, wishing she could just shut the door in face and be done with him forever-but Sirius only stood there and smiled at her like a pleased little puppy, as though he were just so _proud _of himself for having found her, for having had the guts to come bother Lily at her own home, as if it wasn't the sort of thing he probably did on a regular basis anyway. "Can't I just have two weeks to myself without the lot of you coming into my life and messing everything up?"

"You don't mean that, do you Evans?" Sirius asked her, and he stepped inside even more, Lily moving subconsciously away from the door, shutting it behind Sirius. She wasn't even sure why she was letting him in-into the house, into her life, into her heart-but there was no stopping now, as Sirius gave her that sad puppy dog look; she wanted to punch him, but she also wanted to kiss him, and both things left her very confused, seeking for answers that no one seemed able to give her.

Was she attracted to Sirius, or to James Potter, who had begun to act less like a prat over the course of this year? Was she attracted to either of them-or did she just want to murder the both of them without a word? "Don't you love me, Evans?" he asked teasingly, and she couldn't respond, because she didn't _fucking know-she had no clue_, not anymore, at least, not since the broom closet, not since the day James had smiled at Lily in class and she had actually felt a _tingle _run down her back.

Sirius took Lily's hand in hers, and not a single word was passed between them-no sound was made, just two people who spoke only with their eyes, and Lily was screaming; how had she managed to fall in love with this idiot all over again? Hadn't she sworn not to ever again-hadn't she sworn that Sirius wasn't any good for her, that she was better off far, far away from him?

And, yet, here he was, in her house, and she wasn't doing shit to stop him as he led her back deeper into the hallway, closer to where her bedroom was. Lily almost stopped then, thinking of her pastel bed sheets, of her posters and pictures and the stuffed animals that still sat on the edge of her bed.

She didn't want Sirius to see that, because he wouldn't understand the personal touch and emotions that had gone into each of those things-he wouldn't understand the memories she'd made in this room. Instead, Lily could only press closer, stopping just outside of her room and kissed him.

It was a wonderful kiss, unlike any she'd ever had before-not that there had been too many kisses before now, just Amos and Devon, though the latter had been only on a dare, and had been when she was twelve. Kissing Sirius-kissing Sirius sober when she could truly experience everything and could understand what was going on around her-was the most magical thing that had ever happened to her.

He was warm and his lips were spread just enough so she could see his white teeth, the beginnings of a pink tongue; his breath was also hot, collecting in her mouth as she kissed him, and Lily sighed as Sirius grasped her, propping Lily against the wall.

She could only focus on the way his tongue lightly poked her teeth, the way his lips crashed against hers, his nose rubbing against the side of her face, his blue eyes usually so intense-now closed as he pushed against her.

Lily nearly moaned, and it took all her willpower to keep from dragging him into her bedroom, to her bed with its pastel bed sheets.

As he moaned, as they kissed and caressed each other, something seemed to click in Lily's mind; suddenly, it was not Sirius' face she saw before her, and it was not his tongue that was pushing insistently against hers-it was James who held her, James who had barged into her house for no apparent reason and it was James that she was now kissing so wildly.

She imagined dragging James into her room, or just doing it here, in the hallway in danger of her family walking in and seeing them on the floor-_damn the consequences _the wild part of Lily said; the rest of her froze, realising what this meant, if she was kissing Sirius but thinking of James.

Had she ever really loved him last year, or was that just the remains of a drunken haze? Did she love him right now-could she love him, when it was James' arms who she so strangely desired to hold onto?

Lily shook her head, confused, pulled away from Sirius, who let his eyes narrow, watching her every move, watching the emotions dance across Lily's face.

"I...I'm sorry," Lily said, and she meant it completely, because this wasn't supposed to happen; she was-and had always been, always would be, no doubt-a good girl, a well-behaved child with so much self-control when it came to her entire life.

She didn't do this sort of thug usually, letting boys into her house when there was no one else home, letting them kiss her and pull her towards the bedroom as they spoke kind words in a deep voice. She didn't normally just lead boys on when she knew it was going nowhere, that whatever he thought they had could just never exist.

She pushed Sirius away, shaking her head, and he gave her a confused, hesitant look. Lily didn't know why, but she found herself suddenly holding back tears as he looked down at her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, this is a really bad idea, and you shouldn't be here."

"What have I done to you, Evans? I thought you liked me; you certainly seemed to like me in that broom closet-" she shook her head violently, emotional despite the voice inside her telling Lily not to, still not willing to admit to what she had done with him last year. "You seemed to like me up until a few seconds ago, when you started pushing me away from you like I was trying to rape you or something equally as horrible as that."

Lily shook her head, wishing she could just turn away, tune out what Sirius was saying, because he was being honest with her, and Lily had done nothing but lie since the incident in the broom cupboard. Sirius was open completely with his feelings around his friends (did this make her one of his friends now?) and she couldn't tell how she really felt about him, about anyone. (Did she know how she really felt, though?)

"I..." She stumbled, looking for words that would not come to her, looking at the angry frustration in Sirius' eyes; he deserved to know the truth now, didn't he? He deserved to know why she had turned him down last year, why she was turning him down now. She owed him that much, at least. "I just... I'm not in love with you, Sirius. I told you that before, and it's still true now-I'm not in love with you, and I don't think I can ever be. I'm not sure if _you're_ in love with me, either, but I've seen the way you use girls, and I'm not willing to be another one of your ex-girlfriends."

She saw him scowl as she stepped away from him, saw the way he stared at her with angry looks, but she was speaking the truth to him finally, and he needed to listen.

"I thought…back in June, that I might have fallen in love with you, that I might at least be _able _to fall in love with you, because finally, I was seeing more than just the cover you put over yourself. But now….I just wouldn't want to lead you on the way you do your girls."

"I don't know what you mean, Lily, you're not making any sense-"

"I think I'm in love with James!" she said quiet loudly, shivering as his eyes narrowed, as he looked at her darkly, his frown deepening. Lily wished she could have taken the statement, the declaration back, but she was finally speaking her mind about everything that she had been thinking about ever since she had walked away from him in June, when she had told him _no _the first time, something Sirius didn't seem to be accepting; perhaps, now, the truth would finally shake him into seeing realistically.

"I think I love him…James, I mean, James Potter….at first, yeah, he was still a total git and I hated him and I thought I'd always hate him, but now….now, I'm not so sure-he's gotten kinder, he's gotten almost _human, _and it's easier to be with him, easier to get to know him. I….I think I might be in love with him, Sirius…..I'm not sure-but I know I can't be in love with you." Sirius looked like he was about to say something, but she only shook her head, silencing him as she continued to explain. "I thought I might love you, Sirius, but I know now that I can't-you aren't good for me, you can't treat me the way I would want to be treated, and I would never be able to trust you completely. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I just…I can't be with you the way you want. I'm not going to be just _another girl _to you."

"Lily…." He closed his eyes for a brief moment, as though choosing his words carefully, and then nodded, opening them again so that she could see his blue-grey, staring down at her with such conviction and confidence in whatever decision he'd made that Lily's stomach began to flutter, and she had to stand still tightly to keep from trying to kiss him again.

She had never understood why he would have such an effect on her-Sirius didn't deserve to make her feel this way, yet he did, and Lily wanted nothing to do with him.

"Lily…" he said again, blinking slowly. "I think I understand what you're saying to me…I think I understand, really, and I respect that. After all, I may seem like I have no morals, but I was at least raised to respect a lady's requests and decisions, and I'm not going to argue you on that point. If you say you aren't in love with me, well, I'm heartbroken and I don't understand it, but I'll kindly accept such a statement. And James….if what you're saying isn't just some ploy to get me to leave you alone-Lily, I swear, I could never hurt James in that way. If you mean what you say about James, then I will _absolutely _leave you alone for the rest of your life, romantically, because that is what James deserves-to be with the one he loves, and to be with the one who loves him. Of course, of course, I respect what you're saying."

Lily was surprised-Sirius seemed to be struggling to hold his own tears back, and once again, she had to hold herself back from moving towards him.

"I have to go, now," he murmured to her, backing away. "I have to go, you're right. We don't belong here, together….I was wrong to even show up, and you were right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Lily was strongly reminded of her words last June, when she had pushed him away, demanding that he leave her be, because she was sorry but he _wasn't right for her. _This was still true, but it now hurt even more to watch him leave, to watch him shake his head and walk away, maybe for good this time.

"I didn't come here to hurt you or James…I need to leave….please, I'm so sorry. Please don't ever tell James about this. I'm leaving, I have to go."

She wanted to hug him one last time, wanted to kiss him, wanted to slap him and demand he stay with her forever-wanted him to never come back, because Sirius confused her and made Lily question herself completely. She closed her eyes, sighing, as he slipped out the front door.

She didn't open her eyes again until Da and Petunia were back. It was a rather long time to wait.

_**.:**__**｡**__*****__**ﾟ**____**ﾟ**__*****__**｡**__**:. **_

_August 1978 _

"Lily and I are getting married, Sirius." James said, and Lily looked over at him with a beaming smile, love filling up inside of her as she gazed up at James, wishing she could just stand by his side and hear him say those words over and over again, because it made her feel so warm inside, so comfortable and in love. "We don't have a set date just yet, or anything, but Lily and I have already talked, and we wanted to know-" he looked down at Lily, who nodded encouragingly, wanting him to go on, because he looked so happy and excited to just be asking his best friend such an important question. "Well, we wanted to know if you would do us the honour of being the best man at our wedding. I mean, you _are _my very best friend, and very nearly my brother-really, I think you _are _my brother-and I couldn't think of anyone else who deserved to be in such an important position on such an important day."

James raised an eyebrow somewhat tentatively-much more hesitant than was his usual style, and Lily knew that he was taking this situation very seriously, as the two of them waited for Sirius' response. Luckily, there wasn't much of a wait necessary as Sirius began to chuckle loudly.

"Of course," Sirius said, grinning at the two of them wildly, and James moved closer to the taller boy, hugging him wildly, whooping in a manner that made Lily start giggling. She had to clap her hand over her mouth, watching the two of them laugh and talk about what being a _best man _would even possibly entail; it was like watching two little kids mess around with each other, like two little kids who were playing around during recess, overexcited and hyperactive.

The two of them had always bounced off each other on a regular basis, getting each other into trouble and usually just driving Lily crazy with their antics. "I couldn't be happier for the two of you, honestly." He stepped away from James, grinning at James for one last second, before turning to look at Lily, which would have made her blood rush just a year or two ago, when the words _I love you _had been thrown around rather frequently; now, though, her blood ran cold as he smiled down at her, and Lily knew good things were not coming from this conversation.

"Can I talk to you for a second, Lily?" Sirius asked, and she gave him a confused, cautious look, nodding. James gave them a dazed smile, oblivious to the shots thrown between the two of them, as Lily's eyes slowly narrowed into a glare; she thought she knew where this was going, and Lily wasn't sure she wanted to hear the rest of this conversation. "I just want to discuss a few things with you about something that happened last month."

Lily scowled as she recalled the exact situation he was referring to-_she hated him _for what he was doing right now, what he was bringing up at the last moment, and she didn't deserve any of this, when she was going to get married soon to a man she was in love with.

"I'm sure you won't mind if we just talk for a few minutes, right? After all, we _are _such good friends now, aren't we?" _Fuck off, Black _she mouthed at him, but he only smiled at him, acting happy and excited, but Lily knew the guns would start firing the second James was gone, and she wasn't looking forward to any of it.

"Is something going on here that I don't know about going on between the two of you?" James asked, laughing loudly, like he was half considering his clearly ridiculous statement, and Lily shot Sirius a frantic, angry look, wishing she could just punch the two of them, run away, and start over far away somewhere, some place where someone had never heard of her, and wouldn't care if she _was _engaged to one guy and _occasionally_ kissing his best friend.

Sirius forced a laugh, slapping James on the back a little too aggressively, but James had always been a little oblivious, and only smiled at the two of them, leaning over to kiss Lily on the cheek, grabbing Sirius' hand.

"Alright, I'm going to go check on Pete and whatever his issue is with the flowers-I think he's allergic to them or something, and Remus claims he's sneezing like mad." He practically snorted with laughter as he walked off, leaving Lily and Sirius to have their own little stare down, which Sirius quickly broke.

"It's nice to see you again, Lily. Nice to see you and James and your…._happy _news. James didn't even bother telling me the two of you were considering marriage, let alone that he had brought a ring and proposed-I wonder, what other secrets are being hidden between the three of us? Perhaps I should tell James a particularly interesting secret I happen to know about a certain _bride _and his _best mate?_"

Lily really did want to punch the smirk off his face, as he stared down at her with his arms crossed, because he was just so _bloody _obnoxious, and so bloody honourable-it had been Lily who convinced him that, instead of telling James, they ought to just keep the entire incident a secret, never tell anyone, and _never _act on their feelings again.

After all, she was dating James now, and Lily knew that Sirius was at least a _little _interested in Marlene McKinnon, who had been in love with Sirius since fourth year at Hogwarts. Lily groaned, wondering what god in heaven above had decided that _she _of all people deserved such a stupid, complicated love life.

"I don't want to hurt James, is all, Sirius-"

"Are you okay with hurting me, as well, then, Lily Evans? Are you okay with seeing me in pain every day for the rest of your life, while you live with your _nice _husband, and your _wonderful _family, and your _completely normal _life which in no way will affect _our _relationship, I'm sure, because you seem intent on acting as though the two of us our going to just be fine standing side by side, acting like there was nothing there, nothing between us-are you truly okay with watching me look longing at you for the next who knows how many years, knowing that I will be wishing for those _what ifs _that you refuse to accept even could exist? I would never try to intrude on you, but I just want you to understand right now before you officially make this choice-because there's no going back after I leave here. I need to know, Lily, will we ever have a chance? Is there ever going to be a chance, for you and me, or James really the best option for you? James…I love him, he's my brother, but is he really the one you want to be with for the rest of your life?"

Lily did not respond for almost a full minute, processing his words, trying to find a response, trying to find something to say to his angry words, his bunched up eyebrows as he stared down at her.

"I don't know," she answered honestly, avoiding his gaze, staring at some point just beyond his shoulder, wishing she could just be anywhere but here, because she hated confrontations. "I don't know, Sirius, I just don't know-I love James. I _truly _do love him, and I think he might be _mine_, the one I want more than anything, more than anyone else…but, I don't know, Sirius. Maybe? Maybe if things had gone differently, if we had met at different times and in different circumstances….Merlin, Sirius, I don't know-I just don't know, please, please don't make me do this. I've been so confused these past couple years, about all of this, about the two of you and me, and I just _don't know_."

She tried not to cry, because crying made her seem like a weak, overemotional person, and she just didn't want cry in front of Sirius-he didn't need to see her cry.

She turned away, eyelids fluttering briefly as she tried to hide the tears that were trying to escape, and squeezed her hands tightly, trying to ignore the look in his eyes as he was glaring down at her, watching her every motion-_she hated him, hated the way he seemed to be messing with him._

She didn't want to be around him, didn't want to be anyone near him right now, because she hated him more than anyone else right now. What right did he have to just come in here and demand she tell him how she really felt-she was eighteen, almost nineteen years old, and she didn't even know if she was in love with the man she was going to be marrying; no, she _was _in love with James, she absolutely was, because James was perfect and amazing and had made her so much better, but at the same time, she had cheated on James more than once with Sirius, and she didn't know if she should ever tell him that.

_Why couldn't Sirius just leave her alone, instead of constantly coming back to bother her? _

"This is what you do to me, Lily Evans. This is what you continue to do to me every single _god damned _day, while you sit there with him and pretend like you don't see the problems, like you honestly believe he is the best choice, the safest choice, the choice you want to make for the rest of your life-a choice you've made not because you thought about it and chose him over me due to some qualities he may have that I don't; no, this was a choice made because you _just don't know _if I'm right for you, or you _just don't know _if you can trust me anymore, or you _just don't know _if you were ever in love with me! Well, I know, Lily Evans, and the answer is yes-yes, you were in love with me, the way I'm still in love with you. Yes, you were in love with me, and I can tell you're _still _in love with me, but you won't admit it, because you, what, love James more?"

"That's not fair-" they scowled at each other, shields both thrown up, masks pulled down to avoid anger and frustration, to avoid showing real emotion or real problems, because why did that even matter anymore? She was marrying James, and Sirius would be their best man because he was James' best friend, and would never do anything to hurt him.

The two of them weren't going to run away and get married like in romance novels-this was real life, and in real life, she had chosen the more practical, reasonable option of the two presented to her. She was in love with James and he was in love with her, and at the very least, their life would be stable.

But Sirius, trying to claw at her heart, trying to pull her away without making it seem like he had truly ever had anything to do with it? That wasn't fair-he was using her, just like she had always thought he might, just like he used all those other girls. He was angry, but she wasn't listening-Sirius wasn't fair.

_Life isn't fair, sweetheart. _

"You want to talk to _me _about fair, Lily? _Really, _of all the people to bring up that stupid argument around, you choose me? _It isn't fair? _Newsflash, missy, life isn't fair-certainly not mine! I don't have parents anymore, or a proper place to call home. My brother has run away to join a crazy group of anti-Muggleborns, my best friend is marrying the girl I love more than anyone else, and I can't even get accepted into the stupid Auror's Academy, because apparently, I'm not good enough for them. Don't talk to _me _about not fair-I know it's not fair, and you don't get the right to pull that card on me, as if somehow it's all my fault that your mother's dead, or that you _accidentally _fell in love with two guys-like I don't know you're probably getting off on all the attention everyone is suddenly paying you, because it's certainly not like anyone was looking before." He snarled at her, and she wanted to slap him.

"How…how _dare _you? I hate you, Sirius Black! I hate you, you selfish, ungrateful, pompous arse! Ugh, I hate you, why won't you just leave me alone for once instead of coming by just to bother me for something that you and I both know will never happen? Stop coming by my apartment, stop bothering me after work, stop _talking to me_, because I'm tired of you, Sirius. You confuse me, and anger me, and I don't want to be around you anymore. Can't you just go away, hang out with your buddies and try to ignore whatever emotions you thought you had for me? We're through, Sirius, please understand that-I'm marrying James now, and what you thought we had-what _I _thought we could have-isn't ever going to happen. So just….leave, please. Go away."

_He didn't look back, not even once. _

_She cried in the hallway as he walked away in silence. _

_**.:**__**｡**__*****__**ﾟ**____**ﾟ**__*****__**｡**__**:. **_

_July 1980 _

It was too early in the goddamned morning for all of this, for her husband to be gone on another bloody mission, for the baby to be pushing on her bladder so hard-it was only what? Three, three-thirty in the morning, and already she was up, in little more than a too long t-shirt and a dirty bathrobe. And besides that, it was already thirty-three degrees outside, July thirtieth, and she wanted to murder someone. Overall, not the best way to start her morning off.

Lily was heavily pregnant at this point in _very late_ July-the mediwitch was swearing up and down that she'd probably pop before too long now, within a week or so, an idea that was both relieving and terrifying.

What if she messed up? What if the baby died, or if she couldn't give birth right and they had to cut her open? Hadn't her mother given birth that way, or was it her sister? And what was that even called-Clanarian….Carrian…something with a C? Lily couldn't remember, though she clearly recalled having a minor meltdown this morning when she happened to glance down towards her feet should have been, only to see nothing but her round stomach.

James hadn't been hanging around the house as much, she also noted with a sigh-most likely terrified of her random, overemotional outbursts that lasted anywhere between a few minutes and several hours, and often involved throwing things.

And Lily had left him go each time, watching him slip out the door at odd intervals, rarely questioning when he would come back. (Once or twice, she had almost wondered what life would be life if he _never _came back, leaving her behind with the baby to raise by herself.)

They're very first anniversary had passed a few months ago, just earlier this year, and already Lily was beginning to have her doubts; it wasn't that she didn't love James-Lily _adored _James with all her heart, loved his odd little quirks and mannerisms, loved being with him and was more than excited about the idea of raising a child with him, but it was also hard to look at him and not think of Sirius.

Sirius, who still gave her side glances when they were in same room, who still made Lily shiver, who still made Lily question her _very, very final _decision about who she was choosing to spend the rest of her life with. She had more than loved that moment, walking up to Sirius with the brightest smile on her face, showing him the ring James had given her, asking him to be their best man.

Lily had loved that moment, the first person she had confessed her engagement to, but she had also hated it, because of the heartbroken look that Sirius had struggled to disguise in front of James, the conversation they had held afterwards that let to almost three weeks of mutual silence on both sides.

And now, here they were, and she was already beginning to wonder if part of the reason why she had fallen so hard, so fast for James was to run away from Sirius, who confused her, who made Lily question herself, like she was doing now, _damn him._

She scowled at herself, wishing she could stop acting like a teenage girl caught between two dates for the dance. She was _married _to James, she was _in love _with James, she was _carrying James' child,_ for Merlin's sake! Lily didn't have time to worry about _what if_, not when the baby could come at any moment, or You-Know-Who could descend upon them all, finally finishing up his plan to scour the Earth of unworthy filth like Lily and her muggle family.

She didn't have time to stress about feelings for a man she had once had a school girl crush on, not when there were real problems out there, surrounding her on all sides, making her feel so impossibly small. _It didn't help that Sirius didn't seem to be able to stay away-and she didn't always feel so eager to send him away. _

Lily sighed, wishing she could just clear her head of all this nonsense, of all the worries that had been plaguing her for the past few months-that had been plaguing her for years, really, if she was being honest.

No longer did Lily want to consider the choices she had made; those were done and gone, and she was twenty years old now, old enough to have figured out where she was going in life, where she _wanted _to go in life.

Sirius was her friend that was the choice she had made-Sirius was her _friend,_ and James was her _husband_. She'd do well to not get the two mixed, especially with a baby coming soon, and the prophecy attached to said baby._ That damned prophecy. _

_"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies ..."_

Lily shuddered as she remembered the prophecy that Dumbledore had mentioned just a few weeks ago. It sounded horrible, awful, something that she didn't want to be involved with in any way, the sort of thing she didn't want anyone to be involved with, especially if it meant the death of a young child; she couldn't imagine losing the baby inside of her at the hands of a paranoid madman. She couldn't really imagine losing this baby at all and still be able to walk out of it fine, untouched, unbroken, and still functioning.

Of course, she'd still have James and Sirius and Remus-and Peter! They'd all be there to help her, if anything were to ever happen but….just to imagine having to bury such a tiny coffin-she shook her head of the idea, as someone begin to pound on the front door.

She sighed, getting up from the couch, her big belly blocking Lily's view of her own feet-not a good thing, as Lily wasn't, had never been, the most graceful of people. Everything about her felt swollen, from her feet to her very ears, which often times went a bright red now whenever anyone looked at her, but mostly her stomach-she could see their eyes lighting up, the very word _pregnant _appearing in the air before them.

Lily was excited for the baby, but she hated the stupid nine months of cramps and pain and frequent trips to the bathroom that came with it. She hated the morning sickness that carried long into the afternoon-_another lie_-she hated the way everything seemed to smell funny now, she hated the stupid fake contractions that she'd been feeling since May, the ones that she woke up in a sweat about.

The person outside pounded on the door again, and Lily rolled her eyes, yelling out "I'm coming, just wait. Takes me a bit longer to move around right now," and she could practically imagine the confusion or the amusement of whoever was on the other side of the door, depending on who it was and whether or not they knew of her _condition_, which was apparently the polite way of saying heavily pregnant to the point where Lily was holding a lot of faith in whatever deity was in charge of making sure the floor was still there beneath her.

"Just hold up a moment." She said, swinging the door wide open-it was Sirius, who she hadn't seen in ages, who hadn't seen the way her belly had swollen these past few months, who was now staring at her with widened, amazed eyes at the rotund beach ball poking from under the old shirt she'd nicked off of James.

Lily almost laughed, but it might have turned into a sob if she kept going, so she only smiled serenely, amused by his fish out of water expression.

"James told me," Sirius blurted, and she cocked her head to the side, confused. Sirius blushed, a shallow pink blush mostly in his ears-the sort of blush that had always made Lily laugh, because it was the same way her sister would blush when she was embarrassed.

"James told me about the prophecy and what it's about, you know, with _little kid _over there-" he nodded at her stomach awkwardly, face still flushed with embarrassment and something else that Lily didn't quite understand. "Or that other baby, the Longbottom's kid, that's who you think is going to be targeted. He told me at the end of last meeting, and how you guys might have to move out of Potter Manor for a while, live in a few different places until all of this is over. I just...I wanted to tell you...if you ever wanted to stay at my apartment, I'd be….I'd be more than willing to deal with that."

"Thanks, Sirius," she said politely, knowing that would never happen. She couldn't live in the same place as him, not when James was there at the same time, not when it was obvious that Sirius was still at least a little in love with her, even if neither one of them was ever intending on acting upon that impulse, even if they both knew it was over, done and gone, _that's all, show's over folks_!

He was in love with her, and she didn't know what she was-if Lily never spent even a single night in Sirius' apartment for the rest of her life, she'd probably be fine.

If she never had to admit to the things she had done…._everything would be fine. _

"I…" Sirius shrugged awkwardly, looking away. "I….Alice just had hers….an hour back, little boy named Neville. He's real tiny…I didn't think people could _be _that tiny. I…" He looked up at Lily with wild blue eyes, shock apparent on his face as he tried to form the words that were on the tip of his tongue. "_It's weird_. I….I don't want you to die, Lily, not because of some stupid prophecy."

"I won't." she said with determination. _Everything is going to be fine. _

._**.:**__**｡**__*****__**ﾟ**____**ﾟ**__*****__**｡**__**:. **_

_October 1981_

"What do you want to do tonight, love?" James asked Lily, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "Harry's love?" James asked Lily, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "Harry's asleep in his crib, it's still technically Halloween, and the night was young about three hours ago-we could make popcorn and watch one of your silent muggle films, like we did at the cinema last year. Remember, the one where they're trying to find the mummy, and it starts chasing them around everywhere?"

Lily smiled, cuddling up against him, her head resting on his shoulder as they sat on the couch together, wrapped up in blankets. Lily was exhausted from chasing Harry around the house in his pumpkin costume, having celebrated indoor-Halloween this year, since they weren't allowed out anymore.

Lily didn't want to get up and do anything, she just wanted to stay next to James on the couch until they fell asleep on each other until morning-or Harry, either was completely reasonable-woke them up.

For now, though, the house was quiet and peaceful, just the two of them together, sitting with their bodies close, knees touching. Lily took James' hand in hers, glad for these relaxed few minutes, side by side with the man she loved.

It really shouldn't have surprised her when the front door blew in.

Half of the front door came crashing down with a loud bang that made Lily jump, and she nearly screamed as the other half seemed to catch fire, thrown off the hinges as it flew-still flaming-through the front hallway, just stopping in front of the staircase.

The door was smoking and sparking, sending little flames to lick at the carpet, blackening and twisting everything out of shape.

Lily huddled against James, struggling to remember the defensive spells she had learned at school, struggled trying to bring to mind what they had talked about in Order meetings, about staying calm and collected in the event of an attack; however, all she could focus on was the pounding of her heart, her sweating palms.

She held backs scream, a whisper of protest as James stood up. She reached her had up, grabbing into his sleeve, trying to make him stay, a silent _please_ _don't_ _go_.

"Lily, go get Harry. Hurry upstairs and get Harry-but be quiet about it." James whispered, shaking off her trembling fingers from his shirt sleeve, slipping his wand from his pocket.

He handed Lily her own wand, which she gripped with sweating fingers, as James turned to look at her; she could see the obvious terror in his eyes as he put a finger to his lips, nodding towards the staircase, towards Harry's room, which was just off the main hallway.

She nodded hesitantly, getting to her feet as quietly as possible, sneaking over to the staircase; she kept hoping the intruder was just some muggle robber, harmless, but she knew that wasn't the case.

Voldemort had finally found them-Peter, oh Merlin, had had betrayed them, his own friends!-and now Voldemort was here to kill her son.

Lily tore up the stairs as she heard James below her, yelling at the gaping hole where the door had once been.

"Show yourself! You don't scare me!"

Lily shivered as she slipped into Harry's room, smiling at him nervously as the toddler gave her a toothy grin, reaching out for her with chubby, grabby fingers, ad she scooped him up in her arms, holding him close to her as she tried to keep from sobbing.

She could hear yelling, screaming, explosions downstairs, and Lily held Harry tightly, whispering James' name over and over, as tears spilled over from her eyes, down her cheeks. Lily sniffled, rocking Harry back in forth as she bent down to pick up a blanket, wrapping it around herself and Harry, brushing at tears that were sliding down her cheeks, wetting her t-shirt.

She kissed Harry's forehead, moving silently over to the bedroom door, part of her expecting Voldemort himself to be standing on the other side, just waiting for her.

Thankfully, the hallway was empty when Lily peeked out, son still pressed against her chest as she hesitantly crept out into the hall, taking tentative, terrified steps, trying to avoid the noisier spots in their carpet.

She could still hear James downstairs, yelling, firing curses, clearly trying to buy his wife and child time to escape-but Lily didn't want to leave, not without James, not with a psychopathic murderer just downstairs trying to kill her whole family.

Lily remained just beyond the landing, frozen in place as she tried to figure out some sort of plan while she waited for someone to show up. Only one person would be coming up those stairs; either her wonderful husband victorious, or the Dark Lord himself, wand in hand, prepared to kill an innocent infant just to flee from death.

The house felt empty as Lily slipped down the stairs, a tentative plan ready in her mind, clutching Harry firmly in one arm, her eyes trying to adjust to the shadows to guide her, doing her best to avoid the shattered fragments of glass and wood, her house breaking around her.

There was something moving near the back of the house, near the back door, and she walked faster, wand aloft in the hand not holding onto Harry. Her breathing was the only noise, loud and ragged in her ears as she slipped into the hall closet, placing Harry on the floor.

The fifteen month old seemed to have picked up on Lily's tense and serious attitude, and remained quiet as he sat on the carpet.

The two of them stayed huddled together for some time, Lily bit dative to whisper a comforting word to her child, for fear of the man-or men, she couldn't tell if Voldemort might have brought anyone with him-that was somewhere in her house right now, with her husband, and Lily didn't know where anyone was.

The door creaked open slightly, and Lily stifled a scream, holding her wand tightly, ready to strike the intruder if they tried to grab her or Harry, or tried to case any sort of spell.

But at the same time, she was shaking horrible, her wand trembling in her hand as she tried to whisper to the person crouching just outside the cupboard, two pinpricks of light glinting at her where his eyes were. She had no voice left though, unable to even form the words to beg for her own life, or the life of her child.

Lily pushed Harry behind her, trying to huddle deeper inside the darkness of the cupboard, watching two pale arms and hands reach towards her, and Lily gripped her wand even tighter, prepared to strike the intruder, ready to strike _back, _to strike first.

If she had thought it might do any good, Lily might have bit the hands reaching for her.

"Lily, it's me, it's me. Lily, calm down." A voice whispered, and a pair of warm hands reached out to touch her cheeks briefly as the man scooted into the cupboard, shutting it behind him. It was James, who hugged her tightly, holding her close for a long minute.

He hugged her again, kissed her forehead and cheeks, feeling in the dark for her lips, her eyes, her nose. She could imagine the big, goofy grin that was probably plastered across his face, kissing her lips, the side of her mouth clumsily when he found them.

"You're crying, Lily, oh Merlin, you're crying. I'm so sorry, are you okay? Where's Harry, is he okay?" Lily pointed with a shaking finger-though she knew James couldn't even see her-towards Harry, who scooted across the floor to be closer to them, patting Lily's knee.

She heard James scoop the little boy up, holding him in his arms, kissing him all over. "I'm so glad you're okay, you're both okay. Thank goodness, I'm so glad you're both alive. I don't….I don't….I'm not sure what I might have done if you were dead, if something had happened to you and it was because I wasn't able to protect you." He hugged them both tightly.

"You need to get out of here, Lily. You need to take Harry and get out of this house, now, before he figures out where you are. I've set the yard on fire, unfortunately, to distract him-the muggles will be here, soon, though, and I don't want anyone else to get hurt. Come on, follow me, Lily." he said, tugging Lily to her feet, pulling her out of the door as Harry began to squabble.

James was shaking, she noticed, as his words began to sink into her shocked frightened brain. What did he mean "you and Harry"? Wasn't he going to come with them-he had to come with them, he had to leave for safety.

No, Lily realised, he was trying to be the hero again, pulling everyone to safety while risking his own life, not considering himself in the slightest, not considering the fact that by leaving her, by dying, he would only be delaying the eventual death by heartbreak that would come from losing him.

She tugged her wrist from his grasp, shaking her head. Behind them-or maybe in front, it was rather hard to see in the darkened house-something fell, crashing to the ground.

The carpet sparked for a second, and suddenly, there were flames all around, separating Lily from Harry and James.

"Take Harry!" James yelled, reaching out, holding their young son as high as he could. "I'll be right back, I have to go check on something." he yelled, and before she could say anything, James had already rushed off, gone deeper into the house where she couldn't get to him, separated by deadly fire that let smoke rush into her eyes and nose.

Lily coughed, holding Harry tightly, as the house continued to collapse around them, bits and pieces falling down around them, sometimes large chunks crashing to the ground, and Lily screamed while Harry cried. She begged for death, knowing it would be coming soon anyway, when Voldemort finally found them.

James came rushing back, coughing and hacking, the expression on his face one of disorientation. He had a teacup in his hand.

"Lily?" James called out to her, and she glanced up through the flames at her husband, who was staring in horror at what remained of her their house. "Lily, do you have Harry with you?" he asked-Lily could hear the plea in his voice, the absolute desperation in every syllable he had just spoken, and her heart shattered as she struggled to move over to him.

She held up Harry to him, showing James the sleeping infant in her arms, and he grinned, a big goofy grin that didn't fit the situation, but it was the sort of thing Lily needed right now, she realised. "Lily, I love you so, so much, sweetheart."

Lily started to protest, but he shook his head, looking at her with obvious determination. "Listen to me, dear, I really _do _love you-there's no one else I'd rather die for than you and Harry…..my sweet Lily flower. I'll miss you."

"No." she said, empty of all emotion. A tidal wave had just washed over her as she realised what he was saying, what he meant, what the teacup was probably for, and she nearly screamed, wanting to drop it, to throw it into the fire, but it had already begun to glow blue, and James' figure was growing dim in her eyes.

"No!" she shrieked again, moving forward, but it was like walking through a bog, heavy and muddy and slow-she couldn't reach him, separated by a burning fire that nipped at her pants, as well as a house collapsing around them, and the tugging in her navel as the house faded from sight, and an empty, white room was beginning to focus in front of her instead.

As James blurred into nothingness-tears stinging her eyes-she felt the heat of the fire and then a loud explosion pushed her back, nearly making her topple over, and Lily screamed out James' name, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she nearly threw up.

Harry began to squabble in her arms, and she blinked away the fuzz that covered her eyes, noticing that she was now standing in a completely empty room, with no decorations or even any windows-she was completely alone, just Harry and her in this empty room, and her tears.

The teacup slipped from her fingers and fell to the ground, smashing into a million pieces on the floor, but she didn't even react, except to nearly topple over.

Tears spilled over in her eyes, and she barely noticed as someone came rushing in to pull Harry from her arms, and she sunk to the floor in tears, inhuman shrieks escaping from her mouth.

"I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to," she sobbed, hands clawing at her own hair, her own clothes, at the air around her. "I didn't mean to leave him, I didn't mean to leave him."

Lily didn't think she could say anything more-she didn't think there were any other words left for her to say except the same sentence over and over like a broken record, as she struggled to breathe, struggled to see. She burrowed further into herself, sobbing loudly, voice reaching childish levels as she tried-and failed-to hold it together.

"I didn't mean to leave him...James...I didn't mean to leave him, he made me leave, I didn't want to leave him, I didn't mean to leave." She could still see herself screaming so clearly, screaming at him, begging James to go with Harry and her-_where is Harry _the only sane part of her mind asks-begging him to stop being stupid, because she loved him and she didn't want to go anywhere without him. "James, I didn't mean to leave, I didn't want to, I didn't mean to leave, please don't go away."

_No, no, no. _This wasn't possible, James couldn't just be gone. He couldn't have just forced her away, that wasn't fair, and this whole thing wasn't fair. Where was James, where was harry, where was anyone? This wasn't fair!

But, her memories did not lie-James, throwing her an old chipped teacup (all the teacups were chipped, now) with a frantic look on his face, telling Lily he loved her and Harry, that he was sorry the hadn't gotten more time together to be a proper family; she screamed, both in her memories and now, screamed and sobbed and rocked back and forth, begging to a man who was most likely dead.

Oh, Merlin, oh god-_no, no, _she didn't want this, she had never wanted this. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, and why was James dead? Why was she still alive, when it was Lily who was the bad person, who had always been the bad person, who had done such horrible things to James, to Sirius, to everyone around her? It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair-none of this was, but she deserved it all.

Lily didn't even notice the warm hands on her shoulders, the warm hand that patted her softly on the back, the soothing voices that whispered in her ears that she was _going to be fine, just listen to us Lily, please stop screaming, please Lily you have to calm down-Remus, go check on Harry, I think something's wrong-Lily, dear, please calm down, please listen to me. _

She didn't notice when something-an animal? Or someone? A baby? Harry?- began to make a high-pitched, horrible wailing noise in another room nearby, a horrible noise that carried throughout the whole place, but did not seem to affect Lily, who was practically dead to the world, forgoing the mumbling and the shrieking and sobbing pouring from deep inside of her.

Lily didn't even noticed when finally grumbled _Come on now, Evans, time to sleep,_ or when the person picked her up, carrying her from the horrible, blank room down a short empty hallway. They stopped inside a dark room with no lights or really much of anything, empty save for a poorly made bed with crumpled, twisted sheets that looked like they'd been in a fight.

The person set Lily down softly, tucking blankets over Lily, all the way up to her chin, kissed her cheek, then left without a sound, leaving her behind in the darkness.

Lily fell asleep almost immediately, curled into a little ball with her cheeks still gleaming with tears as she held herself tightly, closed off from anyone who might come in while she was asleep, protecting her from having to hear the concerned conversations taking place just outside her room as two young men looked at each other in horror, trying to figure out what was going on.

Lily slept and slept for a very long time, not opening her eyes even when the sun rose and the noisy _thing _in the room next to hers woke up and began to fuss loudly. Lily heard nothing and she saw nothing except the inside of her eyelids, as if someone had given her a sleeping draught.

"Do you think she's going to be okay?" Remus asked Sirius, the two of them peeking at the girl, who slept peacefully on the bed. Sirius shook his head, and Remus sighed-he didn't think that any of them would be okay after the events of tonight. James dead, Voldemort gone, and now Lily sleeping in Sirius' bedroom, her cheeks still wet with tears-how were they supposed to deal with this sort of stuff now?

"Promise me something, since I'm sure you're already thinking it, and have probably already decided on doing it, but I'm begging you not to, because Lily and Harry need you?" Sirius sighed, most likely bracing himself for the inevitable question-it was a rather obvious one to ask, though Remus had no doubt that Sirius would still make a big deal out of the situation.

"What?"

"Don't go after Peter. Don't be an idiot. Please, Sirius, don't get yourself killed over this. I don't want any more of my friends to die, not if they don't have to. Please don't go after Peter in a rage. Think about Lily, about Harry before you do anything rash."

"Okay."

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_November 1981_

It wasn't raining that morning, hadn't been raining for weeks now, and that made her angry. They always showed it raining in the movies when someone died, always showed big crowds of mourners gathered under their large black umbrellas; but James did not get a rainy, wet good-bye. Instead, it was just harsh winds that nipped and bit at any exposed skin it could find, leaving behind a trail of red noses and loud sniffling.

Lily was the first to drop in a handful of dirt-the last family members he had left, just Harry and Lily, and she dropped the dirt first, then Harry with his chubby little hands and his wide smile, too young to understand what was going on, and he tossed the dirt over James' coffin with a little happy sigh, turning to Sirius to make sure he'd done it correctly.

She wasn't looking as Sirius and Remus stepped up to do their part, to say their thing about how _he'd been a good friend, and they missed him more than anything_, because none of this was real. She wasn't actually at her husband's funeral, she wasn't actually twenty-one going on twenty-two, with a fifteen month old son, already a widow. She wasn't saying good-bye to her goofball husband, who had died at the hand of a madman.

_This is not real, I am imagining this, and I have gone insane. All of this is just a nightmare, all of this is just in my head, and I'm going to wake up, and James will be right there, laughing._

Because he couldn't be dead, not now, not when things were finally starting to settle and become normal and peaceful. He couldn't be dead at twenty-one, his laughing face now settled and waxy, without emotion or empathy or warmth-or any of the things that made James who he was. She couldn't have lost him, that wasn't fair.

_Life isn't fair, sweetheart. _She had heart that statement before, over and over, _life isn't fair. None of it is ever fucking fair, and it never will be, can't you figure that out? Can't you understand that you're never going to get your happy ending, your faery-tale _happy ever after _because you don't even deserve one. _

_Get it through your head-_

_Life._

_Isn't._

_Fair. _

_And guess what?_

_It._

_Goes._

_On. _

But could life really go on, continue properly, without James, the man who had married her, the man who had stood beside her as Mudbloods were turned away, as doors began to shut in her face, as Albus Dumbledore condemned her to a fate she wanted no part of. This wasn't fair-but _life goes on_, and on, and on.

Lily walked a few paces away, not seeing the nervous glances that Sirius and Remus gave each other, or the way Alice started after her, then paused, watching her walk away. No one stopped her, no one said a word as she kept walking, her mind bubbling and twisting, doing its best to avoid even _thinking _about the coffin just a few metres behind her, growing distant as she trudged through dead grass that was covered in frost.

She wanted a drink to clear her head, she wanted a drink to make the screaming stop, she wanted a drink because it might make her feel whole again, instead of like she was walking around with a big gaping hole where her heart should be. _Where's James? _The space where her heart was not cried out for her husband, but she had no answer, no response. _Where's James, where's he gone?_

_You should have died. You should have died with him. You don't deserve life, and you certainly don't deserve happiness, not after all that you've done. _

Merlin, she needed a drink, but Lily already felt drunk without haven't touched a drop, drunk on her own salty, bitter tears, drunk on her own flashing anger that made her tremble. She hated herself, and she hated everyone, _everyone, _because life wasn't _fucking fair_ and it's not like she even tried to save him, it's not like she ever did shit to help him.

_(Allmyfaultallmyfaultohmygodivekilledhim.)_

_It shouldn't be me that survived, I don't deserve to live when he does not-or is this my punishment to live without him, my punishment for having rejected Sirius in favour of James all those years ago, only to lose James and be stuck with Sirius? Does the universe just love irony?_

It was a clear empty path that led back to the small handful of vehicles parked in the nearly empty lot just off the church. The normal wizard's logic of _why drive when you can just pop in and pop out _was strong with this group. Sirius' motorbike was among the few vehicles, a roaring, gleaming hunk of metal that had always terrified her, a bit like how Sirius scared her, really, both of them wild and reckless and dangerous.

_You should stay away._

_Why don't you take me for a spin?_

_You don't know how to ride it._

_That doesn't matter, we can have lots of fun on the road. _

_Lily, don't be an idiot._

_Lily, what have you got left to live for?_

_Don't do it-_

_Have some fun. _

Would she crash on the bike, just a few miles down the road, a mixture of flesh and metal twisting together? Would she even be able to start the bike, to get up on it and ride off far away from all of this, from the crap that the world seemed to intent on throwing at her? Did it even matter what happened, as long as she was making the choice herself, not thinking, not feeling, just _doing. Being. Feeling. _Lily Evans, dead inside, but finally free? No, not the sort of thing for her, not the sort of happy ending she had deserved.

"What are you doing, Lily?" Someone came up behind her, Sirius, with his cold, uncaring blue eyes and his turned down mouth as he watched her place a tentative hand on the bike. She was trembling all over, trying to keep from sobbing; Lily tugged her hand away, moving closer to him. "Are you okay?"

"Kiss me." She murmured, moving closer. _Drunk, but not drinking. Emotionless, but not yet empty. Dead, but not buried. James is buried, though-dead, too. _She almost giggled, letting her lips trail Sirius', frowning when he pushed her away. "Don't you love me?" she asked him, confused. "I thought you loved me, Sirius. Why don't you love me? Why doesn't anyone love me anymore?"

"Lily, what's wrong with you? What's wrong, what's going on with you?" She shoved him, her head pounding. She was confused and sad and angry and…Lily didn't even know.

"You used to love me, Sirius. You used to love me a whole lot, didn't you? Used to…_make _love to me. What happened? Now that James is dead, am I no longer appealing to you? Is that what it all was, the attraction of loving your best mate's friend? Did you ever even love me?"

"Of course I did-"

"_Did? _But not anymore? Of course not, why would you? I'm a mess, a total fucking mess, why would you ever love me again? Besides, I'm broken, shattered, fucking _messed up_, aren't I? Fucking insane, me, crazy Lily Evans, the poor widow who can't seem to get her grip on reality. And, guess what, Sirius? I _always _loved you, even when James was alive. I _always _loved you-and I _always _hated you, too, because you scared me. So _fuck you, _Sirius Black, fuck you."

"Lily, please-"

"Why didn't you save him, Sirius? Why didn't you tell him the truth about us, why didn't you rescue him when he was dying? You _swore, _Sirius, you said _forever, I'll defend you forever_-and now James is fucking dead. Why didn't anyone save him, why is he dead, why? It's not fair, he shouldn't be the one who died, and I should, because I was the bad person."

"No, that's not true, you did nothing wrong-"

"I loved him, Sirius! I've loved him since I was seventeen years old. He was amazing and wonderful and more perfect than I could ever imagine; but I loved you more. I wanted you more than I wanted James-the only reason I picked him over you, Sirius, is because you terrify me. _You always have, and you always will. _I love you, Sirius, and I loved him. Why didn't you save him?"

"I couldn't-"

"_Why won't you just fucking kiss me? I fucking hate you, Sirius, why won't all of this just stop? Why won't you fucking kiss me?" _

She turned away, walking with determination over to his bike, swinging one quivering leg over to the other side, giving him a bitter smirk as she kicked the bike to life, nearly falling over with surprise when it growled underneath her, an angry, hungry beast that she _could not control. _

"See you around, Sirius," she said, grinning madly. "Oh, wait, guess I won't really be around for my own funeral, will I? Oh well." She drove off, leaving a confused, horrified Sirius behind, the bike wobbling underneath her, James' face swimming in front of her, Harry's cries still pounding in her head. He tried to catch her arm, to pull her back, but she only laughed, kicking at the bike again.

She was screaming as the bike tore down the road, screaming wildly, letting loose on her grip on the handlebars until it wobbled slightly, and she gripped it again, a little scared, but not enough to stop-never enough to stop, because now she was free, now she was fine, now she had gone completely mad, but what did it matter, because James was dead and she was on this _fucking _bike-but who cares? It roared again, picking up speed as she turned the corner.

_You're crazy, Lily._

_You're free, Lily. _

She screamed even as the tree came up on her faster than she could ever possibly imagine. She screamed with happiness as the bike sped up, the tree coming closer every second. She was so happy for that brief second, happy and free, grinning.

_**.:**__**｡**__*****__**ﾟ**____**ﾟ**__*****__**｡**__**:. **_

_June 1982 _

Funny how an opinion can change so quickly. A thought, even if she had held onto such an idea for ages, _years_, could so easily shift, changing into something else, something new. She used to think she could never possibly

When she was a very young girl-younger than she was now-Lily Evans had been convinced that she was going to be perfectly normal. She was going to be happy, too, but that was just one of the many things that came with being normal. When she was a very young girl-at least, young compared to someone who had lived a very long time, which she had not; or rather, she had not _yet_-she believed that being normal came with being grown up.

It was, she thought to herself, a part of growing up, slowly becoming more _normal_. Adults always seemed so calm and collected and steady-not at all a hectic blur of motion like most people her age. After all, none of the other adults laughed in such a strange manner when her _mummy _talked, not like the smiled they gave Lily whenever she opened her mouth, like she was a dog taught to do a clever trick.

There was no way for her to understand that, actually, a large part of growing up was realising that there was, in fact, no such thing as normal, and she'd get no closer to finding it the more she looked. She had no way of knowing that adults were just as strange, just as queer as children were-adults were just usually better at hiding such facts. No, Lily had no way of realising that she would be this way for the rest of her life, feeling awkward and out of place and confused.

How was she supposed to know this was what growing up meant?

Lily was terrified, really, if she could find a way to admit the truth to herself. She had loved James more than anything else-he was the closest she had ever come to believing in soul mates, and now he was gone, cruelly taken away from her eight months ago, and she still hadn't gotten over it.

"_You never will," _Remus had told her sadly, holding her hands one night over dinner as she cried into his shoulder, wanting to know why it wouldn't just stop, why the pain of her memories weren't fading like she wanted them to. She couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop dreaming about him, begging him to _please come back, James, please, please, I love you. _

It was hard, at first, those first few weeks out of the hospital, after Sirius pulled her out from under the mess of his bike, and the tree she'd kissed so roughly, wrapped around it like she was giving it a tight hug. It was hard, admitting that it was no longer _James _that she woke up to, _James _that she fell asleep next to. It had been eight months, but the other side of her bed remained empty, no matter how much she wanted someone to warm it up beside her.

_Sirius_-who had not yet said "I love you", who had avoided her eyes, her soft hands that tickled across his skin. She loved him, and he loved her, but they were both too scared; scared of each other, scared of what others would think, scared that they would fall apart and fall away. She loved him, but Lily didn't want to lose the friendship-hesitant and fragile as it was-that she'd been building with Sirius over the past few years.

Besides that, there was still a ghost hovering over the two of them, a ghost that would probably already be there for the rest of their natural lives. The memories of James, of the times the two of them had argued and laughed and loved (made love to) each other-she couldn't get rid of that, and Lily wasn't sure she would ever even want to. He had been her first love (only one love? Her true love?) and Lily wasn't quite ready to let go of that.

The two of them, Lily and Sirius, and James who was _there but not there but was always there_, sat on his back porch in the rain, watching Harry jump and skip happily through the puddles, giggling and chuckling and screaming. He was nearly two now, with no memories of what had happened that night, what had happened to James and to Lily and to him.

_What could have happened to him. _

At least he was safe and alive and unmarked, thank Merlin. Lily didn't know what she might have done if she had to wake up each day without Harry, her happy little boy with his wide smile, his gleaming eyes. He was the last night she had in her life-little Harry, and (maybe) Sirius, who was laughing as Harry began to chase after a stray leaf.

"I could see us being married one day," he said in a faux-casual voice, taking her hand in his own, trembling terribly. "I could see us living in a little cottage together, or a small house, just us and Harry and maybe another kid or two. It'd be nice…..being together, raising Harry, standing side by side, so talented and special and…I've been imagining that life since we were eighteen, and I knew I was in love with you."

"Even then? What about Marlene?"

"Marlene was sweet...Marlene was amazing and beautiful and just my type. And that's why I didn't love her-she was everything I wanted, the picture-perfect representative of the kind of girl everyone expected me to end up with. After all, we were both a little promiscuous, a little wild, a little too smart for our own good-when we were Fifth Years, I almost thought about asking her out anyway, because it was Marlene, and at least I knew her….but…"

"But what? What was wrong with Marlene?"

"That's just it, Lily...there _was _nothing wrong with her-and I was bored. Bored out of my mind, really, because it was like every other girl I'd ever dated, it was almost like dating myself. And the entire time, all I could think of was that I wanted someone different, someone new, someone who wasn't the sort of person I usually found myself attracted to...and then, I fell in love with you. I don't know why, Lily, I don't know why it was you of all people, but I knew, when I showed up at your house over Christmas, before you told me about James...I knew I was in love with you, and that there was almost nothing that could change that-nothing, except of course, that you loved James and not me. I could never do that to you or James."

"Sirius…." She had nothing to say, there was just nothing left to say, nothing except…. "Sirius, Sirius…Sirius-I _love you. I've always loved you._"

"I know," he said, smiling sadly, kissing her cheek. "I know, trust me, I know. And…maybe one day, yeah, this is something we could have, the two of us together, being awesome and amazing and better than everyone else, but…not today. Not this year, I don't think. You're still mourning, I'm still mourning. We need our time, Lily, to just be friends, to figure out if this is something we think will work out, and if this is something we're still going to want a year down the road, five years down the road."

"When did you get so wise, Sirius Black?" she asked him, laughing. "When did you get so smart and worldly like this? I like it. It's very becoming of you."

"Thanks. It helps…being with someone like you."

"Do you think….James…"

"Yes, I do. I have to, Lily. I have to think that he wouldn't mind, that he would be happy with the two of us, together, with each other. I have to think that James would tell us to go for it if this is what want-I have to tell myself that he would be happy, or else I wouldn't be here at all. He's still around, a ghost, for me, every time I look at you, but I have to think that he wouldn't mind a kiss on the cheek," he pecked her softly. "or holding your hand." He took her fingers, squeezing them, twisting the ring she still wore.

"I love you, Sirius."

"I know."

_**.:**__**｡**__*****__**ﾟ**____**ﾟ**__*****__**｡**__**:. **_

And so that is it-my story, the only story I know how to share with you, because I'm the only one left to tell it. Everyone else who knows the full truth is gone, or too old, or just doesn't care anymore. I have lived my life, and you have heard it-what more is there for me to say?

You might wonder if I was happy, if I ever regretted the choices I made in life, the rough spots, the places where I was stretched so thin, I thought I would snap in two. Tell me, though, does a daisy regret growing where it is planted? Does a snowflake regret where it falls? I lived my life the way I needed to-and there's nothing more I can do about it.

I can't go back and change anything in my past, I can't go back and tell myself to make this choice or this choice. I can't quite regret what I've done-I know that makes me sound like a bad person, but it's true. I'm happy with what I've done, even though the choices I made weren't always in my or anyone else's best interest.

The song is over, the play is done-there are no more lyrics to be heard, no more dusty curtains to close one final time.

I am nothing more than a potted plant in the corner of the room, a piece of scenery that is always there.

I am nothing more than just another tree in an evergreen forest, one amongst millions; for me, that is enough, because at least when I die, I will die happy.

At least, when I go, I can say that I lived the way I wanted to, did the things I wanted to do. Can you say that, when it is your time that you lived your life to the fullest, and there is nothing more left here for you to discuss? Because I can, and you, I'm sure, understand that now.

I have bared my soul to you, stripped back the layers down the bone, shown you the truth about me, the parts that others seemed to have forgotten, though I certainly never will. Ninety-three, and I can't forget a single detail.

My mentality has always been live and let live, and to love others at best as you can, no headaches needed in life, thank you very much.

Why does it matter who cured cancer or the common cold or created world peace, after all? They'll be just another name in the history books, a name for future generations to groan about having to memorize for their next test. Me? I'm much rather slide under the radar, affecting people in little ways that don't cause such a huge blip on the radar.

I want to be invisible, but helpful-and I think I've succeeded at my goal, wouldn't you say? Please, I don't ask for more, just that I have left my mark somewhere, in some way-a bunch of little dots on the wall to prove I'm still here, to show I'm still alive, that I still exist in even the smallest, most useless way.

_James used to always say I could never be useless. Sirius would say I was useless sometimes, but when I wasn't, I was the most useful person he knew._

Two different men, two amazing friends, two different paths-and I got to explore them both. Alice fell down the rabbit hole, and she got to have an amazing adventure in Wonderland, but then Alice came back, and she got to live out her life in the real world again.

I am a bird, a butterfly, a bee, set free and left to create my own life, because no one could control me, and no one ever will. It is hard to bottle wind-it is hard to calm raging seas. It is hard to drag the unwilling down the path they do not wish to walk; I know, and I do not mind what I have done, what I must continue to do until I am done.

_My time is quickly dwindling, and I cannot wait to leave. Who could fault me for that, for falling in love, for living my life, for preparing to greet death like an old friend, arms thrown open wide, a smile lighting my face? _

I got to walk both paths, and can you really blame me for that? Of course you can-and I wouldn't really argue if you did, because I'm only human, and I fucked up a lot these past ninety-three years.

I hurt a lot of people and made really terrible choices and didn't get drunk nearly enough, but my children and my friends were always by my side, so I guess things aren't so bad, right?

I mean, how many really and truly die happy? How many people truly get to go with a smile on their face, knowing that _this _was the best choice, the right choice for them and for their descendants?

Not many, I'm sure, but I was given this wonderful opportunity, and I hope to….well, I hope I just didn't mess things up while my time here on earth slowly ticked down to these final days, these final moments that I will be spending with my family.

Oh, one more thing, before I go: one last little bit to my story that I forgot to mention, the day my son walked out of my house and begun his new life. The next chapter in my own life, the day I finally broke down and let him go, let him out of the metal box that I'd been holding him in for eleven years, afraid he'd break and smash.

I have the old video camera still, full of every moment I ever shared with him: first steps, first words, first day of kindergarten. I had never been able to let him go until that September first, when I finally had to set this bird free, when I finally had to tell Harry it was time to fly.

_**.:**__**｡**__*****__**ﾟ**____**ﾟ**__*****__**｡**__**:. **_

_September 1991 _

"Have you got everything then, Harry?" Sirius asked the dark-haired boy, who was struggling with the clasps on his trunk, his face strained as he tried to force it shut; he'd been tossing in last-minute items ever since five this morning, insisting he didn't want to forget anything.

Sirius was watching his stepson with mild amusement as the eleven year old tugged and pulled on the clasp, scowling as it obstinately popped back open. Sirius could tell he'd filled the trunk full to the brim-_"I want to be prepared for anything."_-and it would be damn near impossible to close now, save by magic, which Harry seemed to have forgotten about.

Sirius couldn't hold back a chuckle, remembering the frantic pace his stepson had been moving at for the past week, more than ready for his first day of boarding school at Hogwarts. "Would you like to stick a few more elephants in there, or can I lock it for you now?" Harry shook his head, giving him a surly glare that reminded Sirius of a certain ex-classmate of his. "Are you sure about that, lad? No? Alright, then let me see."

Harry scowled again, but stepped away from his trunk, allowing Sirius to point his wand at it, loudly saying "_Colloportus!_" mostly just to mess with Harry, who was still a little annoyed that he wouldn't be allowed to practice magic until he got to school.

After all, the eleven year old had argued, he had a wand now, and he'd been testing out spells and potions since he was eight-what was a few hours difference, really? But Sirius had only chuckled and told the boy to wait just a few more hours, just a little tiny bit longer, and then he could cast as many spells as his little head could think of.

Harry hadn't seemed happy about the whole ordeal, but his wand remained safely in Harry's pocket for now.

"Are you two ready yet?" asked Lily Black, coming into the sitting room, kissing her husband lightly on the cheek. She smiled at Harry, and helped him grab his trunk and his cases, smoothing down the young boy's grey sweatshirt, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to choke her.

She had sworn that she wouldn't cry, sworn she wouldn't make a scene, but this was her oldest baby, her first baby, and he'd be leaving her soon-she couldn't imagine life without Harry, who was always so loud and rambunctious, always playing jokes on people and making Lily laugh.

Harry was just so _happy _all the time, and she wasn't sure if she was totally okay with the idea of him climbing onto a carriage and being whisked away from her until June.

"Yeah, Mum, I've been ready since I got my letter," Harry said with some impatience, and Lily had to roll her eyes at the truth in his statement-Harry _had _pretty much been ready for his first day of school ever since the owl had shown up with his letter, proclaiming him as a new student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, something they'd all been waiting for, really, though the time seemed to have flown by awfully fast.

Seven years….seven years, her son would be gone, growing up and growing away from her. They all climbed into the car then, Harry and Alea arguing over who got to read the map, while Jacob sucked away at his juice, demanding to know if they could have boiled eggs after Harry was gone.

Lily had begun to cry as she saw her son off, big fat tears that rolled down her cheek, but she made no move to wipe them away, clutching Sirius' hand in hers.

Alea and Jacob were behind them, blissfully unaware of the tears in their mother's eyes as she remembered a different dark-haired boy who had scrambled onto the train each year.

Sirius kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand comfortingly, nodding solemnly when she looked at him; Lily could see the tears in his eyes as well, and she knew he was also remembering their long-departed friend, James, who they'd never get back.

He had lived on, in a way, in Harry, but it wasn't the same as being able to see off her son alongside James, who had been on the path of becoming a great father and a great person.

Lily waved to Harry as he poked his head out of one of the many windows adorning the train, and was quickly joined by a redheaded boy that Lily recognised as one of the Weasley sons. They both yelled and whooped loudly, waving wildly back at Lily and Sirius, and Lily could see the wide grin on her son's face.

She was once again strongly reminded of James and his mischievous laugh and the glint that always seemed to be in his eyes, and Lily wiped at her tears, waving even more desperately in her son's direction, smiling as the train slowly started to chug away from her, taking away her oldest baby, James' son, who had grown up just as fantastically as she had promised James he would.

She struggled to hold back the tears that sparkled in her eyes, and though she could feel Sirius' hand in hers, it was as though James was standing on her other side as well, watching as the train chugged away.

"You'll be fine, Lily," Sirius whispered in her ear, and she smiled at him, tears streaming down her face. He understood so much about her, the man that Lily considered to be her other half, the only other person left in the entire universe who understood what she was going through, who could almost read her mind sometimes.

"It will get easier, with time, saying good-bye, remember?" he murmured, as the younger two children, Alea at seven and Jacob at four, scurried back to the car in front of them. "I know it's hard, but these things get easier, as long as you let them."

Lily kissed him on the cheek, nodding; she had something to tell him, a surprise, but it could wait until later, when they got home.

As she climbed into the car with a big smile on her face, Lily couldn't help but gingerly run her hands over her stomach, knowing that things _were _getting better, easier. She was fine now, and losing James and saying good-bye to Harry hadn't been nearly as painful as she had so often felt.

She smiled, feeling the beginnings of something stirring inside her. Something strange, but not uncomfortable, something she'd probably have to tell Sirius about soon enough, but she'd let this wait until later, until another day when they weren't both grieving a friend, when they weren't both longing for a child they had to say good-bye to for the first time.

_I'm going to have a baby, Sirius. I'm pregnant. _

Those conversations could wait another day or two, couldn't they?


End file.
